The Two Kinds of Depression, What They Mean, And What To Do With Them
There is a difference between experiencing depression, and having a depressive personality.
The former, even if it’s been going on for a long time, would be basically uncharacteristic of the person’s overall, historical way of being. Usually it can be traced back to some specific experience, or relationship, or period of time where things seemed to have changed. There is strong trapped emotion that has not been dealt with, losses or betrayal that needs to be grieved, or pain that needs to be felt and validated.
The latter is a “default setting.” It’s more like “this is how I’ve always been.” A person experiencing depression often has some area or other of their life where they are capable of coming alive. But the depressive personality has more trouble identifying such moments, and may even have trouble imagining being any other way.
But even among those with more of a depressive personality, we can distinguish between two broad “types:” the introjective depressive personality, and the anaclitic depressive personality. Each one has a different “blueprint” for where it came from, how it is experienced, and how to deal with it, both in daily life as well as in therapy.
Anaclitic Depression: Loss and Disconnection
The person with the anaclitic personality has a steady hunger (even desperation) for connection, closeness, and reassurance, which is where this personality type gets its name: anaclitic means “to lean on [others].” They probably experience themselves as emotionally fragile and needy, particularly when they are left alone. They feel very dependent on others to feel grounded, and they feel intense distress when important relationships are uncertain or strained. When feelings are able to surface through the deadness, it is usually a deep well of sadness that opens up inside of them, a well without a bottom. They feel incomplete and empty, touching on existential despair, falling into nothingness. They may feel like they’re made of tissue paper, here today and gone tomorrow, forgettable and forgotten about.
The anaclitic depressive person probably had caregivers (usually their mother, but not always) who was emotionally unavailable or inconsistent, and only intermittently attuned, leaving the child feeling unsure that comfort and the safety of connection would be available when it was needed. Very frequently, somebody with anaclitic depression will speak of their mother as having suffered from depression herself, rendering her incapable of being emotionally alive and relationally reliable. Sometimes people from bigger families with many siblings to compete with for attention induced a sense of futility and despair of being seen. This primal lack of attunement and safe, stable attachment leads to an adult inner world which feels disorganized, held together by duct tape and prayer, and searching for safety unconsciously in others rather than being able to muster a sense of feeling grounded in the self.
Working with Anaclitic Depression in Daily Life
If you seem to have an anaclitic personality, you might start observing yourself “in the wild” of daily life. Notice if/when your mood suddenly drops when somebody important to you seems distant, distracted, or less responsive. Pay attention to whether you feel “ungrounded,” panicked, or just generally start spiraling downward when alone, even if there is nothing identifiably “wrong” externally. Observe times when you seek reassurance, not because of a real threat, but because the absence of reassurance from others feels unsafe.
Begin practicing small, tolerable moment of being alone while engaging in self-soothing activities that help you feel grounded. Build routines that give your day a sense of structure and purpose, independent of other people’s availability or attention. Identify a coping statement that feels true, that you can rely on during this time of growth, such as “I can remain connected to others even when they are not here right now.”
Introjective Depression: The Harsh Inner Critic
In psychodynamic psychology, an “introject” is a fancy word for a person or aspect of a person, or a feature of a relationship (like attitudes, ways of relating) that are internalized and incorporated into one’s own personality, which influences the self-concept, emotions, and ways of relating with others.
As such, rather than revolving around a feeling of loss, emptiness, and sadness as with the anaclitic depressive, the introjective depressive’s internal experience feels more like being constantly guilted and shamed, blamed, and perpetually disappointing to an imaginary internal parent or authority figure. Where the anaclitic depressive feels sadness at being alone, forgettable, and forgotten about, the introjective depressive feels intense anger toward themself for being flawed and “hateable.” They relate to themselves primarily through judgement or contempt and find self-compassion to be fake, useless, or in any event extremely difficult to come by. The anaclitic depressive may feel like they’re falling apart, the introjective depressive may feel like they’re being crushed.
The childhood of the introjective depressive is usually characterized by home life and relationships that were perceived as communicating that love or approval were contingent upon obedience, achievement, or emotional self-control. As a child, the person internalized a demanding and critical parent figure, shaping the self-image around performance or fear of failure and rejection. As a child in a family with many siblings, where the anaclitic depressive collapsed into a certain acceptance at being overlooked, the introjective depressive child resolved to fight to be worthy of attention.
Working with Introjective Depression in Daily Life
If you feel a resonance with the description of introjective depression, notive how often your automatic response to stress is self-criticism and anger. Pay attention to situations that trigger in you feelings of guilt or shame, even (or especially) when nobody is actually blaming you or communicating disappointment. Observe whether you withdraw for fear of being judged and rejected, or if you put yourself forward and find ourself fighting for the attention and approval of others. Notice if, when the person is insufficiently approving, you collapse into self-hatred and cruel self-talk.
For the person with introjective depression, it is important to begin noticing what specific kinds of experiences or interactions cause you suddenly to descend into self-abuse. It would be good to begin replacing automatic self-criticism with a more gentle curiosity and willingness to take your own side, as a friend speaks with a friend. Notice some of your flaws and imperfections, and tolerate the strong feelings that come up, building a sense of resilience to that internal discomfort.
How Psychodynamic Therapy Can Help with Both Types of Depression
While self-awareness and daily practices are necessary for deep change, they are rarely sufficient. Both anaclitic and introjective depressions are rooted in deep relational patterns that cannot be healed through willpower alone. Psychodynamic therapy offers a uniquely powerful space to reshape the inner landscape where these depressive patterns were first formed and where they still reside.
Psychodynamic therapy seeks to get to the heart of what causes the experience of depression for each individual uniquely, to bring what is unconscious into awareness, and to create the possibility of change through free choice.
Both the anaclitic and the introjective depressive suffer from unconscious programming that draws from how they relate to others: the anaclitic, feeling sad and empty at being forgotten, and the introjective feeling angry and contemptuous at being tried and found wanting.
The therapy relationship is unique and unlike other relationships in many ways. However, it is similar to other relationships in that it is a relationship. As such, that unconscious programming is immediately accessible within the therapeutic relationship, with the anaclitic depressive secretly fearing being unimportant to the therapist, and the introjective depressive secretly fearing being inadequate to the therapist.
For both, therapy offers a consistently attuned relationship that helps you internalize a reliable emotional anchor. The therapist helps you notice and understand and tolerate fears of abandonment and rejection as they arise in real time within the therapeutic relationship, helping you to question faulty and unhelpful assumptions, and replace them with accurate ones that are tied to the corrective emotional experience of therapy. Over time, you develop a sturdier, more resilient sense of self, less dependent on the attention or acceptance of others. You learn to “introject” the calm, compassionate, observing presence and attention of the therapeutic relationship as a new way of relating to yourself. In both cases, the psychodynamic relationship becomes a living laboratory where old relational patterns are brought to the surface, understood, and gently transformed.
If you see yourself in either of these descriptions, or if you’re simply tired of carrying your pain alone, beginning therapy can be a courageous next step toward lasting emotional freedom. Contact me for a free consultation or to schedule your first session and get your life back.
